Men!!

[Talon Karrde]

The Why's of Men

Q: WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
A: They don't have enough time.

Q: WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
A: They don't stop to ask directions.

Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A: Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

Q: WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
A: Don't know.....it never happened.

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

Q: WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

[Talon Karrde]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Do not block the TV

[Talon Karrde]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

[Talon Karrde]

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY HELLO.

HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM. SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?".

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOUR THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON
THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

[Talon Karrde]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[Talon Karrde]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker -function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Talon Karrde]

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT

THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Saturday, Jan. 28th, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To F! ind Things --- Starting With looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[Talon Karrde]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she."

[Justine]

Because I'm a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... (applies to engineers mainly).
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[Justine]

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.



Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. "The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...



So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.



The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

[Justine]

The Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be
the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From
now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner
you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex
that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you
will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director!!!."

[Talon Karrde]

1. Men are like .......Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ...Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ......Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like...Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Talon Karrde]

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window...PIG!
Man yells out the wind, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in the middle of the road, and dies.

Thought for the day: If only men would listen......

[Talon Karrde]

Sent to me by a man:

Men Strike Back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it!

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Talon Karrde]

Thought for the Day

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window...PIG!
Man yells out the wind, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in the middle of the road, and dies.

Thought for the day: If only men would listen......