|
Post by Talon Karrde on Mar 6, 2006 3:00:00 GMT -5
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
|
|
|
Post by Talon Karrde on Aug 4, 2006 1:30:37 GMT -5
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? If you do not know, see answer below. Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round
|
|
|
Post by Talon Karrde on Sept 10, 2006 0:59:32 GMT -5
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten overly enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a nearby cemetary.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and used them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a big wide ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that. After the girls finished their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst ... my wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
|
|
|
Post by Talon Karrde on Nov 3, 2006 14:11:22 GMT -5
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. " Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
|
|
|
Post by Talon Karrde on Dec 19, 2008 15:27:45 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
'Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.' The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?' 'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do: First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.' The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...' 'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherezz zat tequila?'
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. 'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth'
|
|