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Post by Talon Karrde on Jul 17, 2008 7:09:21 GMT -5
OLD WYOMING COWBOY In a small Western Wyoming town, the banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one this next November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by his eighty-year-old friend. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
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Post by Talon Karrde on Jul 17, 2008 7:18:55 GMT -5
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press On your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part Of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need . . . A new suit.' He enter ed the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like A new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see . . . Size 44 Long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How About some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see . . Size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
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Post by Talon Karrde on Jul 17, 2008 7:23:14 GMT -5
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay once for these expensive tests"
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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Post by Talon Karrde on Jul 17, 2008 7:27:10 GMT -5
CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble,
one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
Get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through
airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
is high on pot.
*~*~*~* ~ *~*~* ~ *~*~*
Man who live in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well,
often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Post by Talon Karrde on Jul 17, 2008 7:34:14 GMT -5
Arthur (Harley) Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?" God replied, "Yes.â" "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Post by Talon Karrde on Sept 16, 2008 18:27:52 GMT -5
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
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Post by Talon Karrde on Dec 19, 2008 15:28:45 GMT -5
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off, so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I'?
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Post by Talon Karrde on Dec 19, 2008 15:36:04 GMT -5
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem? '
Harry answered,'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had, had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office..
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:'9..'
Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'
Harry:'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks,'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment:'Legs.'
Ms Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied:'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:'Pants..'
Ms. Brooks: 'What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry:'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry:'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'fire truck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....
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Post by Talon Karrde on Dec 19, 2008 15:45:13 GMT -5
Tommy wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Tommy got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Tommy said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
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Post by Talon Karrde on May 22, 2009 13:41:21 GMT -5
BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!' Then POOF! She was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
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