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Post by Talon Karrde on Jan 5, 2006 3:16:20 GMT -5
BLONDE PAINTER A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.00?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch. It's a Lexus" |
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Post by Talon Karrde on Feb 24, 2006 13:31:48 GMT -5
A Blonde's Year In Review January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said 2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing..... couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!! What a year!! |
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Post by Talon Karrde on Mar 6, 2006 2:56:50 GMT -5
PREGNANT BLONDE My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", I said "Great; tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, (You're going to love this!) "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"  |
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Post by Talon Karrde on May 4, 2006 12:35:11 GMT -5
You just can't make some of this stuff up!
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)
Lisa Brunet, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled Up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Lisa is a blonde.
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Post by Talon Karrde on Jun 21, 2006 13:06:56 GMT -5
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal."
"I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."
"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
"Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."
"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his manhood in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up...........
"I'll try It! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle"
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Post by Talon Karrde on Jul 19, 2007 18:07:37 GMT -5
Jack, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
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Post by Justine on Nov 7, 2007 9:57:54 GMT -5
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I
have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a
tiger."
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in, and shows
him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table..
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her
hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...."
He sighed,
"...let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.
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