*Holiday Eating Tips*
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots
on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In
fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So
drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not
as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's
the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the
volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's
like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party
in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food
and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you
can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful
pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.
Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples
and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more
than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible
when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been
paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just
around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved
body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in
the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO
HOO what a ride!"