Law Enforcement Jokes

[Talon Karrde]

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. . Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Talon Karrde]

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR POLICE OFFICER PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION

He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."

He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

[Talon Karrde]

Speeding

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old Indian woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right, officer. We just got off Route 119."

[Talon Karrde]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.

She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."

He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his ticket book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Talon Karrde]

A POLICE OFFICER SPEAKS

Well, Mr. Citizen, it seems you've figured me out. I fit neatly into the category where you've placed me. I'm stereotyped, standardized, characterized, classified, grouped, and always typical. Unfortunately, the reverse is true. I can never figure you out.

From birth, you teach your children that I'm the bogeyman, if they do anything bad I'll take them away. Then you're shocked when they identify/associate with my traditional enemy... the criminal! You accuse me of going too easy on criminals until I catch your kids doing wrong.

You may take an hour for lunch and several coffee breaks each day, but point me out as lazy for having one cup. You pride yourself on your manners, but think nothing of disrupting my meals with your troubles.

You go mental with the guy who cuts you off in traffic, but let me catch you doing the same thing and I'm picking on you. You know all the traffic laws...but you've never gotten a single ticket you deserve.

You shout 'IDIOT' if you observe me driving fast to a call, but raise the roof if I take more than ten seconds to respond to your complaint.

You call it part of my job if someone strikes me, but call it police
brutality if I strike back. You wouldn't think of telling your dentist
how to pull a tooth or your doctor how to take out an appendix, yet you are always willing to give me pointers on the law and telling me how to do my job.

You talk to me in a manner that would get you a bloody nose from anyone else, but expect me to take it without batting an eye.

You yell that something's got to be done to fight crime, but you can't be bothered to get involved.

You have no use for me at all, but of course it's OK if I change
a flat for your wife, deliver your child in the back of the patrol car,
or perhaps save your son's life with mouth to mouth breathing, or work many hours overtime looking for your lost daughter.

So Mr. Citizen, you can stand there on your soapbox and rant and rave about the way I do my work, calling me every name in the book, but never stop to think that your property, family, or maybe even your life depends on me or one of my buddies.

Yes, Mr. Citizen, it's me the cop!

[Talon Karrde]

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1) 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right , we don't. Sign here